


should I leave or stay?

by slytherbyun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Depression, Introspection, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unfulfilled dreams
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 03:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15655257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slytherbyun/pseuds/slytherbyun
Summary: Junmyeon wants everything to end, but there's that one voice that reminded him that there will always be at least one person who's there for you.





	1. 12:00AM

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yamzy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamzy/gifts), [wonseokie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonseokie/gifts).



> Trigger warnings:  
> Suicidal ideations, possible overdose, self-loathing, self-esteem issues, unfulfilled dreams
> 
> Please do not read if you feel you might be triggered.
> 
> I wrote this based on a prompt I thought of in class. This was supposed to be a one-shot but I thought of making it chaptered instead.
> 
> For V.

_ 12:00 AM _

 

With the rain pouring outside being his only indicator that he’s still alive, Junmyeon just wants to disappear.   
  
He's on the floor, half-awake, unsure of everything in life. His cheeks are stained with tears, and his heart is overwhelmed with feelings. Feelings have always been something he loves experiencing, but now he just doesn't want to feel anything anymore. All he feels at this moment is intense pain and painful regret. He hates life. He has nothing to live for. He can’t go on knowing that there’s no reason for him to still continue on this life full of uncertainties and disappointments. He can’t keep living in a world that continues to hurt him every single day.

 

It feels like the world is slowly suffocating him. The sun has refused to shine in days. The light at the end of the tunnel is no longer visible. The void has been calling him, and the longing to be one with it is so intense that no one can do to stop him. Nothing can save him. Nothing. Not even his favorite iced macchiato can lift his spirits. Not even his favorite musical can put a smile on his face. His family doesn’t know anything. His friends have tried to get him out of his funk, but he wouldn’t.

 

He couldn’t, not when he feels like the universe is punishing him for  _ trying _ to be happy.

 

Junmyeon feels he’s not worth it.  _ I’m not a good person _ , he thinks to himself.  _ I have no use to my family. I am not good-looking. People just tolerate my presence, and don’t really consider me as their friend. People use me for their own personal gain. I don’t really matter. I’m a waste of space. _

 

The self-loathing continues all through the day, and intensifies during the night. It’s worse when he’s alone—it’s when all the feelings come rushing to him after a tiring day of pretending to be...normal. Junmyeon knows how to not make people worry. He knows what to do: show up, smile, be conversational, and act normal. Don’t show weakness. Don’t break down in front of other people. Don’t tell them about your problems. As a famous Disney Princess (or Queen, whichever) once said, “Conceal, don’t feel, put on a show. Make one wrong move and everyone will know.”

 

He can’t afford people to know how he feels. Junmyeon already knew how people would react if he opens up:  _ Who are you to feel depressed? You’re luckier than most. You’re rich, smart, and talented. Why would you want to kill yourself? You don’t own your body, so don’t harm it. Think of how other people would feel. It would be a disgrace to the Kim family’s name. People have it worse than you do. You just have to change your mind set. _

 

Yeah, what a load of bullshit, eh?

 

With the bottle of mood stabilizers in his hand, he contemplates on actually doing it--on actually killing himself. No one can stop him now. No one will bear witness to this even except for the rain that is pouring outside, muffling his cries. He’s ready to give up his life in search for that inner peace that he needs.

 

He’s on his bed, with the pills in his hand. He knows that after drinking these, he’ll be fine. He’ll die in his sleep, with no one being bothered about his passing. No one’s at home anyway; his brother Minseok is currently on a well-deserved vacation with his husband Jongdae, and the youngest, Jongin, is spending the night at his boyfriend’s for a group project. His parents are currently out of town on a business trip. No one will know.

 

As he was about to take the pills, something caught his eye. Something stops him.

 

Looking at the corner of his room, he saw his rarely used telephone sitting on his bedside table. It looked lonely and forgotten  _ just like him _ . Before cellular phones became widely accessible to the public, each room in the Kim household had its own telephone to be used when they need to communicate with each other. Now, everyone just texts each other and hardly even talk to each other verbally.

 

If the telephone was alive, it would have probably killed itself too.

 

However, it’s that telephone that stops him. Junmyeon walks over to it, picks it up, and holds it to his ear. He can still hear that dial tone, indicating that the telephone could still be used (and that his parents actually pay the telephone bills). A forgotten and neglected object still works and is ready to perform its function regardless of being unnoticed and unloved.

 

“What’s the number again?”

 

Junmyeon rummages through his stuff until he finally finds that number that he wrote one time during his Psychology class.

 

014-85-5483

 

“No, you’re not supposed to have second thoughts,” he whispered to himself.

 

As he said that, he felt as if the phone was glowing. It suddenly became the only object he could see in that room. It shined brightly under the light of the lamp. Everything became blurred, and that telephone was the only thing he could put his focus into.

 

Maybe this was it.

 

Maybe this was the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Maybe there’s still a reason to live.

 

Putting the bottle of pills beside the phone, he picked it up and started dialing the number.

 

_ Brrt. Brrt. _

 

_ Brrt. Brrt. _

 

“What’s taking so long?”

 

Junmyeon was ready to hang up when someone suddenly answered the call.

 

“Don’t do it.”

 

Junmyeon was taken aback. He knew it was a suicide hotline, but he didn’t expect that he would immediately hear someone trying to stop him from actually doing something to himself.

 

“Wow,” he said to the hotline guy. “Is that your standard operating procedure?” Junmyeon asked, unimpressed.

 

“Not really, but I assume you called because you needed to talk yourself out of killing yourself,” the guy on the other line replied. “Do you?”

 

Junmyeon pauses at his question. Did he want to be talked out of killing himself when he thinks his resolve is final?

 

“Well, let’s say that I do. What are you gonna do about it?” Junmyeon asked.

 

“First, get the pills and the knives away from you.”

 

“Why do I need to do that?” Junmyeon was outraged. The pills were his comfort at this very moment. If things don’t go the way he wants it to, Junmyeon could easily shove the entire bottle down his throat.

 

“Just because,” the hotline guy replied.

 

Junmyeon wanted to find out how these hotlines work and if they’re really sincere in doing their job of talking people out of killing themselves. He wanted to see if they were that dedicated to make him stop and think about his decisions. Even if Junmyeon finds it weird, he did what he was told. He places the bottle of mood stabilizers at the other end of the room then goes back to the phone.

 

“I moved it,” he says to the hotline guy.

 

“Now, if it’s okay for me to know, what is your name?” hotline guy asks.

 

He stays silent for a few minutes. He was contemplating whether or not he should tell the man his name. It was a small city; anyone could probably know his name. The fact that he’s also well-known in town is another factor.

 

“If you’re uncomfortable in telling me your real name,” the hotline guy suddenly spoke, “you can give me a name you want me to call you throughout this conversation.”

 

Junmyeon thinks of what the hotline guy said, but he could only agree on one condition. “Give me a name to call you, too.”

 

“Lay,” the hotline guy replied. “You can call me Lay.”

 

Junmyeon can’t think of a name on the spot, so he settles for the screen name he could have had if he had pursued theatre. “Suho.”

 

“Nice to talk to you, Suho,” Lay told him. Junmyeon could hear the smile in his voice, and to be honest, it gave him intense feelings that he doesn’t want to feel anymore.

 

It felt like someone genuinely cares about him.

 

“So,” Junmyeon started, “how do you get people to stop killing themselves?”

 

Lay let out a soft sigh. Junmyeon knew it wasn’t a sigh of annoyance, but it was of relief--probably because he thinks Lay feels that he could talk Junmyeon out of killing himself.

 

“Talking about the problem helps,” Lay told him. “What was the trigger?”

 

Junmyeon couldn't dare think about that moment--one of the most painful moments he experienced in the whole timeline of his life.

 

Junmyeon quietly started sobbing once again.

 

“Take your time, Suho. I’m not going anywhere unless you hang up,” Lay assured him.


	2. 1:00AM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junmyeon begins to open up about what pushed him to the edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 12AM here, I'm messed up, and I finished writing this. This wasn't proofread properly so feel free to point out typographical errors.

_ 1:00AM _

 

It took him a while, but when Junmyeon finally pulled himself together, he tried to piece everything together to tell Lay.

 

“I’ve always wanted to pursue theatre, you know?” he starts telling his story.

 

“Why didn’t you?” Lay asked, and he could hear the genuine tone of curiosity in his voice.

 

Junmyeon gave a long sigh. He knew he would cry once again when he utters the words, but Lay was right: he had to talk about the problem.

 

“My family is...well...” he starts. “They wanted me to take up a business-related course in university, but when I was younger, I was sure that I wanted to be on a stage, probably on Broadway, and just keep performing musicals to my heart’s content.”

 

Junmyeon had to stop and keep his emotions in check. He knew if he says those words, it’s hitting the nail on the coffin. The finality of everything, of his father’s decision, will just hurt him worse than the first time.

 

“I secretly applied for a school that offers drama, and I got in.”

 

“Congratulations!” Yixing exclaimed. “That’s wonderful news.”

 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon chuckled bitterly. “If only they allowed me to go…”

 

Junmyeon couldn’t tell Lay everything yet, because even if he wanted to, he still has a family name to protect, but he tried to tell the story in a way that it wouldn’t be traced back to him, but when he thinks of the unfiltered version of everything, his heart aches more and more.

 

Junmyeon’s family is very rich and well-known for the chains of hotels and restaurants that they have in South Korea. Because of this, his father wanted him to pursue something closely related to business. Originally, the plan was to take up a business-related course, then take over the company, since Minseok aims to establish his own business related to cafés. However, his love for theatre just grew stronger, and before he knew it, he was already a supporting cast member in his first ever musical. He kept on auditioning for any musical that would be done in their city, and even when he gets rejected, he just brushes it off and finds another musical to try out for. Everyone supported it as a hobby, but when he told them that he wanted to apply for the Juilliard School in New York for Performing Arts, his father immediately (and forcefully) put his foot down. Now, he’s on his third year in a degree program that he doesn’t even like in the first place, lost in life and unsure of himself.

 

He quit doing plays and musicals three years ago as well.

 

He secretly applied for Juilliard when Baekhyun and Chanyeol, his first friends from his first musical, urged him to. Both of them look up to Junmyeon and his talent, and they both felt that Junmyeon wasn’t really happy with what his family is making him do, and they wanted what was best for him.

 

“It wouldn’t hurt to try, right?” that’s what Chanyeol told him.

 

“And if you don’t get in, at least you can say you tried,” Baekhyun added. “If you get accepted, maybe it could change your parents’ minds.”

 

Junmyeon wanted to, but he couldn’t. He can’t disobey his family. He can’t suddenly rebel against them. How would his family feel if he suddenly rebelled against them? He can’t go against his family’s wishes when they did his best to provide for him and give him a good life.

 

One encounter, however, changed all that, and broke his resolve.

 

He was in the library, looking for potential literature for a potential thesis topic. It was another day of trying to be productive, but he knows he’ll fail later on. Still, he has to at least try. It was his future on the line, as well as the company’s.

 

He wanted to focus on researching about the performance of employees in relation to their work environment. His father has been ranting about how his employees’ performances are unsatisfactory as of late, so he wanted to do a study on that so when he takes over the company, he knows what he could do.

 

As he was going to get a book from the topmost shelf, he couldn’t help but overhear the conversation of two students.

 

“So hyung, did you audition for the dance club?” one student asked the other.

 

“I didn’t,” his companion said.

 

“WHY DIDN’T YOU?” the other suddenly shouted.

 

The “SHH!” came from most of the students in the library studying for their exams and doing their requirements.

 

“It wouldn’t fit with my schedule, and besides, I’m gonna graduate next year and it’s off to med school for me,” his companion said.

 

“It’s a wasted opportunity you know?” the student said. “You love to dance. Why should you let your passion for dancing die at the expense of your parents’ dream for you?”   
  


“I don’t know, Sehun,” his companion said. “I guess, maybe it’s just not for me.”

 

“Hyung…” Sehun just whispered and left the topic alone.

 

At that moment, Junmyeon knew he couldn’t end up like that guy. He had to at least try and pursue his dream. He couldn’t let an opportunity pass by just like that just because he was afraid to try. He never wanted his passion for theatre to die, even if it means his family getting angry at his decisions.

 

He loves the stage too much to let it go completely.

 

He sent in an audition video with him acting out a scene from Les Miserables, with him playing Marius. He had Baekhyun and Chanyeol help him on it, and even Sunyoung, his other theatre friend and his usual love interest in the musicals that they did together. Junmyeon and Sunyeong sang “A Heart Full of Love”, and Junmyeon delivered a few lines from Marius' scences. Chanyeol helped with the editing, while Baekhyun was the biggest moral support during those moments. He was also the one that emailed Juilliard for Junmyeon because even if he wanted to go to, he was scared of actually sending that email containing his audition tape.

 

Apparently, he did well because Julliard sent a letter to him last week, accepting him into the school.

 

The bad news is, it was his father who found the envelope.


	3. 2:00 AM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If there's anything Junmyeon hates, it's being controlled, and being a bother to people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thesis ate me up, sorry for being late! :)

_ 2:00 AM _

 

“Breathe, Suho.”

 

Junmyeon has been crying non-stop since he told Lay that his father did not allow him to transfer to Juilliard. It was his father who called the school and told them that Junmyeon will not be enrolling. The pain of that day came back and hit him in the chest so hard that he could not breathe.

 

“Why is he like this, Lay?”

 

Junmyeon was already crying like a kid at this point.

 

Junmyeon couldn’t understand why, of all people, it was his father who wasn’t supportive of his dreams. Why does he have to sacrifice his dreams for the dreams his family has for him? Being involved in the arts should never be deemed as low. It should be family supporting each other with each member’s personal endeavor, but why is it that his own father can’t do that for him?

 

“I just...I just wanted to be happy...”

 

“Why is it that, of a people, my own father is the one who doesn’t support me?”

 

Lay stayed silent, probably to let Junmyeon vent out his feelings. Junmyeon was still crying, feeling hurt that it was his own father who stopped him from chasing his dreams. He sounded broken, like a child who’s favorite toy was stolen from him. His dreams were snatched from underneath him, and now he is being put in a box that he doesn’t want to be in.

 

He dares not tell people about how he feels because he knows people will judge him based on his family’s wealth. Little do they know that having greater access to resources does not always make a person happy. He would rather not have riches than to not be able to chase his dreams. There’s no point if he cannot chase his dreams.

 

“Can you say something now?” Junmyeon whispered in between sobs.

 

He stays silent to let Lay gather his thoughts. Wrapping his free arm around his torso while staying curled like a ball, he listened to Lay’s deep breaths on the other side of the line, probably trying to form a train of thought that wouldn’t offend Junmyeon.

 

“You know the saying ‘mother knows best’?” Lay asked him.

 

“Mhm,” Junmyeon merely replied.

 

“In my opinion, a lot of parents think like that,” Yixing put it simply.

 

“Your point being?”

 

Junmyeon could hear Lay letting out a frustrated sigh.  _ Could he be annoyed with me? _

 

“A lot of parents I know make decisions for their children in the hope that they would make good decisions as well in the long run. Some children view it as guidance, others view it as control. They would give you the reason that they had already experienced what you would experience in the coming future.”

 

When Lay finished speaking, Junmyeon found his fist balled up, and his body shaking in anger.

 

“I’m not some pawn to be used in a business game,” he stated firmly.

 

“You’re not supposed to be one,” Lay affirmed.

 

“But why?!” Junmyeon couldn’t help but shout. “Why is it that it has to be me? Hyung can take the business. Jongin is free to pursue what he wants. Why is it that I can’t be the one to be happy? Why am I the one being burdened with expectations to succeed and take over the business when I clearly don’t want to?!”

 

“Maybe because,” Lay started to explain, “he sees the potential in you to run the business. He must believe that among his children, you are the one who can take care of the business.”

 

“But I can’t,” Junmyeon whispers.

I don’t want to.”

 

\--

 

“I’m never really going to be good enough, Lay,” he whispered over the phone.

 

“What makes you think that?” Lay asked him.

 

“The universe really hates me and doesn’t want me to pursue my dream. I feel like a bother to a lot of people. I’m fucking ugly and not worth staying for. My family’s controlling to the point that I can’t do what I love. What else is there?” Junmyeon tried to say in between sobs.

 

“What do you mean you’re a bother, Suho? You’re not a bother to people, I’m sure,” Lay said in a soft voice.

 

Junmyeon chuckled bitterly once again. “You’re probably paid to say that,” he said quietly.

 

One can say that Junmyeon has a lot of friends. It’s how it looks like from an outsider’s perspective. A lot of people kind of gravitate towards Junmyeon because he  _ tries  _ to show people that he can be friendly and approachable—that he can be someone to count on in times of need. What people don’t know is that Junmyeon, while he likes being there for other people, does not really believe that people genuinely want to be friends with him. He thinks that more often than not, people just use Junmyeon for the connections that he has.

 

He has a few people he considers as friends, like Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Sunyeong. He doesn’t unload his problems on them because he doesn’t want to burden them with his own problems. He wants them to remain happy and unbothered in his presence. He doesn’t want them to worry about him. He wants them to continue wanting to be with him, so he tries to avoid being a toxic friend to them.

 

“I’m not,” Lay said. “I really mean it. There’s got to be at least one person who thinks you’re not a bother.”

 

“I made my friends help me rebel against my parents.”

 

“But they did that for you willingly, remember?” Lay reminded him.

 

“I dragged them into this mess, Lay. They must hate me,” Junmyeon whispered.

 

Junmyeon hated that; he hated the possibility that people would hate him because he was toxic. He hated it when people get involved in his problems. He never liked letting people in his life and get to know him deeply because there are things about him that are unlovable, and people might leave him.

 

“I have an idea,” Lay said. “Have you tried checking your phone?”

 

“No, I turned it off. I didn’t go to university today as well,” Junmyeon told him.

 

“Try opening your phone now, Suho,” Lay encouraged him. “You’ll be surprised at what you could find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to tweet me your feedback [here](%E2%80%9Dtwitter.com/jongdaks%E2%80%9D)

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!


End file.
